If Bella Were Sane
by The One Called Demetra
Summary: The events of Twilight, had Bella been the only sane woman in the Twilight universe. Diarystyle. T because normal teenagers don't say 'Holy crow' when they swear.
1. Twilight, but 4 srs

Day One

Moved to Forks. Have no clue why, as I hate it here. I suppose I did it for my mom, of my own choice, so I guess I have no right to complain. Dad got me a car, though, which is beyond awesome.

Day Two

Went to school. It's alright. There are some inhumanely beautiful people around here who look exactly like each other, are all dating each other, and apparently are not related.

The excuses people make up for incest.

Day Two, Later

One of the incestuous beautiful creeps sat next to me in Biology. I think he hates me, judging by the ferocious glares he keeps giving me for non reason.

I really better stay away from him. He looks kind of mentally unstable. It'd totally ruin my day to be raped, killed and dumped in a trash can behind a McDonalds somewhere.

Day Two, Even Later

Everybody is so nice. Especially Mike. I kind of like him. You'd think he'd go with me to that Girl's Choice dance?

Day Three

Edward wasn't in school today. I was more relieved than I should be, but there's something really unsettling about him.

Hung out with Mike and friends at lunch. Was fun.

Day Nine

Edward's here again. Now he wants to be friends. I ended up staring at him. It seemed kind of rude, but yesterday I could have sworn his eyes were yellowish (is that even a natural eye color?) and today they were pond-scum colored.

Ew.

Day Ten

Edward's eyes are black now.

The hell? Does he have colored contacts? How many pairs do you need?

He also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible.

Day Eleven

Got invited to a beach party. That's totally cool of Mike, considering that I've barely been here for a week.

Edward finally leaving me alone. Phew.

Day Twelve

I almost got hit by a van. Holy shit, right? I barely got as much as a scratch, and Tyler was completely messed up. And people were paying more attention to me!

Does Tyler have some kind of bad reputation or something? Poor guy.

Day Nineteen

Beach party was pretty cool. Some guy with a pony tail made some cryptic comments about Edward and co. Whatever the hell that was about.

Day Twenty

Went to Port Angeles with some friends. It was going fine until Jessica and Angela somehow disappeared and four guys started following me.

Fuck.

I wasn't really worried, though, because I'm not stupid enough to walk down some dark, deserted alley alone for no good reason.

Except then, a Volvo pulled up and lo and behold, the creep himself, Edward Cullen. He pulled me into the car and drove off.

"What the hell, man?" was my rightfully outraged reaction.

He just shrugged.

"Were…were you _stalking_ me or something?"

"Um…no. I was just around and I…saw you," he said. He clearly didn't think much of my intelligence if he thought I was gonna buy that.

I told him to take me home, but he entirely ignored me and took me to some restaurant. I tried to get the hell out of there and call a taxi, but he just grabbed my arm and ordered me something.

That's it. I'm getting a restraining order.

Then he told me that he was a vampire.

Okay, Edward. Whatever you say.

Got the bastard to take me home, anyway. God. What the hell is wrong with him? Should I report this to the police? He did help me…but still.

Day Twenty One

Edward caught up with me again. Holy shit, he just doesn't give up, does he? He started asking me all these weird questions, like what color my underwear was.

Most of my answers involved curse words, so I won't relate them.

Day Twenty Two

Today, Creepy Stalker Dude took me to a meadow.

Not of my own will, of course. He kind of just dragged me along, and as I don't have a cell phone, and he DOES have a vice-grip, all I could was yell obscene things at him and kind of stumble along.

So we get to the meadow, and it's all sunny, and then…he just starts sparkling, apparently he put on some body glitter or something that just shows up in the sun. I asked him why he was going to such elaborate measures to inform me that he was gay, but he just said that he loved me too.

And I was all, "But I don't love you! I don't even like you! In fact, after all this, I hate you! Are you deaf or something?"

And he was like, "I know, my dearest snowflake, but I am too dangerous for our love to flourish!"

So I just stared at him blankly, because some things just don't deserve an answer. He didn't try to stop me when I left, though, so that's at least a plus.

Day Twenty Three

I didn't really expect Creepy Stalker Dude to leave me alone, and my expectations were met completely. He stopped by my house after school (I had managed to successfully evade him for most of the day by skipping lunch and biology) and told me that we were going to meet his family. Once again, such displays of supreme, nigh unfathomable, obliviousness don't deserve answers, so I went back into the house, but he somehow knew where the spare key was! And he even admitted that he'd been watching me sleep for the past month. He clearly thought it was romantic. He must have taken my horrified stare as a loving one, because he smiled and forcibly pulled me out of the house and into his car. Okay...going to meet his family, then.

So we got there, and apparently he has this nice house and shit, and his family is all almost, if not just, as crazy as he is. And they all look like each other. EXACTLY like each other. And they're all dating. That's it. My mom's happiness is NOT WORTH this crap.

Day Twenty Three, Later

I tried to tell dad about the sheer ridiculousness surrounding the Cullens. I managed to sneak away from the CSD and found a phone, but before I could start all the felony-worthy crap he's been doing, he found me and dragged me off to play baseball. No, really.

And I was just there, standing next to his slightly-more-normal-than-the-rest-of-them mom, looking for an escape route, when three more of the freakily perfect guys come into the clearing. And it was like, yeah, pretty general stuff (as general as being in these peoples' proximity can get, anyway), when one of the guys nods to my Twinkie and says, 'I see you brought a snack." Which is admittedly a very strange conversation starter, but maybe he was hungry and wanted to politely ask if he could have it.

Well, Edward completely freaked out at that, seemed to think that the guy was going to, like, eat me or something, and he apparently knew that it was true because he 'read his mind'.

I'm serious.

He seemed to think that he was going to whisk me away to Canada to 'save' me from the 'cannibal'. You know what, Edward? Fuck you. Fuck you to hell.

I only managed to get myself out of that one by pretending to go along with his plan, and saying that I had to get rid of my dad. He seemed to buy that. 'Course, I just walked in and told dad everything that Edward did. This turned out to be a great decision on my part, because he immediately turned his gun on darling Eddie and sorted that out for me.

I love my dad.

Day Twenty Four

Edward was arrested, it turned out. Very much relieved, I can finally breathe easy with the knowledge that he won't be jumping out to proclaim his undying love for me anymore. All his siblings/fuck buddies seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Whatever. So long as they leave me alone.

Mike asked me out. Totally a yes


	2. New Moon minus the bullshit

Day One

Well, it's my birthday tommorow. Turning eighteen. I was never really big on celebration, but hey, what kind of person doesn't like a day where everybody is nice to you and gives you free stuff?

Day Two

Birthday was okay. Got some cool stuff and had a lot of fun with friends at school with my camera. Although Mike was acting a bit…weird.

Day Three

He broke up with me! On the day after my birthday! That bastard. When he told me that he 'thought we should see other people', I punched him in the face. It felt good. So I punched him again. Then I kicked him in the gut and called him a douche. Then I walked home trying to remember the number of that cute Indian guy I met last year.

Day Four

I can't believe it.

Okay, what happened was that I couldn't get Jacob's number so I decided to drive down to La Push and say hi or something. And on the way there, guess who I saw? Edward-Fucking-Cullen, who had apparently gotten out of jail. I knew there was no escape now. My truck was too distinctive for him not to notice me, and notice me he did. The bastard just stands in front of my car, giving me a choice between running him over and stopping. I was about to go just fuck it and kill the guy, but the engine suddenly decides to stop working.

Oh, fucking _fuck. _Just fan-fucking-tastic.

So of course Creepy Stalker Dude has to go and talk to me. After the obligatory screaming and cursing, he just gives me this sad pitying look and goes, "Bella, I don't think we should be together any more."

And I'm like, "Yeah, so do I. Now go away."

So then he actually tries to _kiss_ me, and I was about to kick him somewhere sensitive when he just pecks my forehead like in some sort of cheesy romance novel and runs off.

Fine. _Fine_, you freak, I'll play your little game so long as you and your psycho family stay the hell away from me.

Then my only problem was that I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with a broken down car. While it was raining.

That wasn't strictly Edward's fault, but I still blamed him for it.

Day Fifty-Seven

I've been hanging out with Jacob Black a lot lately. He's…well, awesome. Like, the best friend ever. I'd ask him out, but I don't think he's into me like that. I don't want to ruin a good friendship, you know? I just hope that I'm not wrong and that he thinks I'm leading him on…man, that would be confusing.

Day Seventy-Four

Jacob asked me out.

YES!!!

Day Eight-Nine

I tried cliff-diving.

Holy shit, wow. It was totally crazy. I mean, Jacob was with me and everything, and it wasn't even that high, in calm weather (I'm not THAT stupid, tch), but it was still completely wild. I mean, honestly, jumping from a cliff. Like I was committing suicide or something.

Anyway, it was pretty fun when I think about it, although at the time it was just pants-shittingly scary.

Day Ninety

Oh my god, this family just won't leave me alone. I barely manage to get home when Alice of all people shows up on my doorsteps, babbling about how she 'foresaw' my 'suicide' with her 'psychic powers'.

"Alice," I told her, amazingly patient considering the situation. "You are crazy. Seek mental help. And tell your brother to do the same while you're at it."

"But that's just it!" she squeaked. "Edward thinks you've committed suicide!"

"So?"

"He's going to kill himself!"

"So?"

"We have to stop him!"

"Uh, no way, crazy pixie girl. I'm not going anywhere. He can go off himself if he wants to—one less creepy fucktard in the world."

A long pause.

"We have to stop him!"

I could only stare at her, deciding that she was indeed every bit the loony that Edward was. "I'm going to go now," I informed her, and started to walk in the front door when she just grabs my wrist and _drags _me to her car. Where the hell is she hiding those muscles?! This girl is fucking tiny! She shouldn't be able to tote me around like this! Oh, the indignity. I'm currently sitting in the passenger seat in Alice's car and she's driving so fast I can't risk opening the door and jumping out.

Why the hell have I not bought a cell phone yet? After what happened with Edward last time, too. Oh, god, I'm being kidnapped by this tiny little lunatic and I can't do anything about it.

JACOB. SOMEBODY. SAAAAAAAAVEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Day Ninety, Later

Attempts to escape Alice at the airport were unsuccessful. Yes, dear diary reader, airport. We're going on a fun trip. Weeee. According to the voucher, some place called Volterra in Italy. I suppose if I can't escape her, I can mooch off her money and take an involuntary vacation.

Yay for me.

Day Ninety, Even Later

We're on the plane.

Alice keeps getting this distant look in her eyes and explains that it means she's getting a 'vision'.

That's it. I'm jumping out of the plane, and if I can't find a parachute, so be it.

Day Ninety, Even, Even Later

Okay, so I didn't really jump. The damn flight attendant stopped me. Alice didn't seem to really notice, still being in her 'trance'. I'm passing the time by writing in this stupid diary.

Day Ninety-One

So we're in Volterra now. Cool place, there's some kind of festival going on. I was just starting to enjoy myself despite the whole, you know, _being kidnapped _thing, when Alice starts going batshit over Edward's supposed suicide. I didn't pay much attention because I was convinced she was a madwoman at this point, but considering how strong she actually is, I might want to be a little more observant of her and her numerous 'eccentricities'.

Day Ninety-One, Later

Well, looky there. Edward actually was here. I could hardly contain my joy when I saw him.

Hur, hur, hurrr.

Anyway, he was doing that faggoty sparkling thing again. But that aside, it was bad news, because God knows what Edward would do if he saw me.

I was just about to turn around and run far, far away when he notices me. Then his face lights up in this disgustingly adoring expression and he goes, "Bella! My love! You are alive!"

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock," I deadpanned in return, now accepting my gruesome imminent fate.

Diary, by now I'm sure you've noticed the pattern that occurs whenever Sparklefuck and I meet. He assaults me and says disgusting things about his love for me. I then proceed to hit him, swear at him and threaten to call the authorities until he eventually desists.

Just leave it to the fucktard to screw up the system I'm comfortable with.

This time, he just won't let go. At all. He's been clinging to me for the past several hours while Alice squeals happily and drives us to the airport. In fact, he's currently leaning against me with his grubby little arms around my waist while I write this diary entry. I hope he's reading what I'm writing right now so I can tell him that EDWARD I HATE YOU AND THE SECOND WE GET HOME YOUR ASS IS GETTING THROWN BACK IN JAIL, YOU MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN FUCK.

…

I'm sorry. I just had to get that out.

Day Ninety-Two

Well, we're home.

And my dad didn't believe me when I said I had been kidnapped by Alice.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

He kept going on about how it was "irresponsible to run off with Alice to see my boyfriend" and how I should have "just called him" and…okay, I can see how he would think that.

But still.

I can't believe he didn't put Sparklefuck back in prison, though. Of course, he says he got out on parole, but damn, what kind of moron on parole goes back to doing exactly what he got there for doing?!

Edward, of course. Because he's just that...urgh.

And now I'm stuck with him, on the rare moments I'm not stuck inside.

Kill me now.


	3. There is no Eclipse

_Eclipse_ doesn't get a parody chapter because nothing happened in _Eclipse_.

Please enjoy the next chapter instead.


	4. Breaking Dawn but not really

_I wrote this for a dumb reason that I won't get into._

_I posted it because I suddenly remember this existed._

Day One

I can't believe it. I really can't. I'm sort of crying right now so excuse the splotches on the paper. What am I even talking about, you are an inanimate object and don't have the ability to excuse or inexcuse anything anyway. Whatever.

Okay, so I haven't been writing in this thing for a while. I started the day counter thingy over, too. Well, I have been writing. But it was mostly angry, explosion-heavy, murderous scribbles, all of them STRANGELY involving Edward. That was from those couple awful months in which I was either alone or with him.

Actually the reason I don't have those in this diary is because that fucking therapist confiscated them, leaving me without something to stare at in my trying moments, but whatever. I'm past that now. I'm past that. Honest.

So what happened was, and I don't know why I feel the need to expound on my personal history to a stupid book, I spent several months with nothing but my dad and Edward for company. Some friends dropped by, and I still had my phone, but still. I can't even IM, due to the extreme shittiness of my computer. The only light I had was Jacob Black, my boyfriend. My actual, real, mutual boyfriend who is not Edward and who did not once put on body glitter and did not once kidnap me. Not once!

Well, this boyfriend dumped me.

This is just Mike all over again, except worse. I thought we were serious. I don't know, maybe it was stupid, but I thought it was for real, and now he just left…and worst of all, even before that he was becoming, for lack of a better word, Edwardy.

It's that stupid gang he joined. Whenever I ask him about it, he gets all dodgy and evasive and says he's not allowed to tell me and acting as though it's this huge serious business. That's not the worst part. The worst part, is that once I got him to tell me what the deal with the gang was, he told me it was werewolves.

Yeah, werewolves. And he says, of course, that he can't "change" in front of me because he'll lose control and maul me or something.

I would say that this town is crazy, except he doesn't even live in this town. Maybe this whole state. Maybe the water in Oregon is just spiked with the crazysauce. I've been drinking the crazysauce, too, though, so I guess that means I'm crazy too. Whatever. I don't even know.

I'm just confused and sad. Which is an okay thing for a teenager to be sometimes, I guess. I think what I need to escape and go somewhere that's not real for a while, and not full of crazy people, either.

I'm not 21 yet, but there's no law about that on the La Push reservation, and some of my friends are going there later tonight. I am going to get so shitfaced I will never completely breathe cleanly again. My face will be a literal piece of shit. That shitfaced.

Day ?

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.

Diary, I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I can't remember the last day or so. I remember having to tell my dad repeatedly that I was okay with him taking a fishing weekend, I remember being picked up and taken to the bar, laughing with my friends and trying to forget about Jacob, I remember drinking a lot…and then nothing.

Where's my phone? I finally got one after years of inconvenience and lot of good that's doing me. Dad can't answer anyway. He's away fishing the whole weekend, they don't get reception out there.

Oh god oh god oh god. What did I do. What the fuck did I do. I have to assess the damage now, I'll write later oh god oh god oh god.

Still Day ?

Why am I in a dress? I don't own a dress like this.

What more, why am I in a really skanky, cheap-ass, white dress? I look terrible in white.

Shit. This is a wedding dress isn't it _shit shit shit shit shit._

Still Day ?

WHERE DID THIS RING COME FROM WHERE OH GOD WHAT THE HELL

I AM GOING MURDERKILL SOMEONE SO HARD WHEN I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED.

Okay okay calm down no on has to die it's gonna be fine. Who's this douchebag, anyway? Did I have sex with him last night? I mean I'm not a virgin, but drunken stranger sex isn't totally okay with me. Or, like, at all.

Still Day ?

That's Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen is asleep in a hotel room that I am in when I am wearing a cheapass ring on my left ring finger and a skanky wedding dress.

I TAKE THAT BACK

MURDERKKILLING WILL DEFINITELY TAKE PLACE

AND IT WILL BE DIRECTED AT HIM.

Day Who Gives a Fuck

Okay. I am trying very hard to write calmly through the blinding rage I am currently experiencing, so excuse me if my writing is a little wavery. Even though you're a diary and you can't excuse anything. We've been over this.

The good news is that I did not have drunken sex with Edward Cullen.

The bad news is that I am now married to him.

As soon as I finish recording this for posterity I will punch his face with my newly-acquired ring hand until he explains everything, agrees to annul the marriage, and buys me a puppy.

Because I need a fucking puppy right now I swear to god.

Day Don't Give a Shit

I'm currently being driven by a rather bruised and bloody (my proud work right there) Edward home from Vegas—yes, Vegas, Nevada.

Vegas, Nevada, where I just became the _proud_ Mrs. Cullen.

It's in my papers and everything, all totally legal. Bella Cullen. That is my name now. Bella Cullen.

I already had a breakdown over this a while ago, I'm just transcribing the barest dregs of it for you benefit, diary.

This is what happened, near as I could tell from Edward's flowery bullshit:

I apparently got so drunk in my misery that I was willing to take comfort even from Edward Cullen. I don't know what happened to my friends and why they didn't come to my rescue. Maybe they all secretly hate me, maybe they thought I was actually cool with Edward all of a sudden—I don't know how drunk I was, I didn't actually think it was possible for me to get drunk enough to tolerate this asshole for extended periods of time, but WOOPS, GUESS I WAS PRETTY WRONG THERE, HUH? I guess we talked and I let slip that my boyfriend dumped me, and also "is" a werewolf. Apparently Edward has this thing about werewolves.

Yeah, werewolves and vampires are mortal enemies or something, and he only even risked going to La Push because it was my safety. And some truce or another was in danger of being broken and blah blah blah who gives a fuck I mean really.

But because I was incapacitated completely and Edward was thus in charge of me, he did not, naturally, do the sane thing and drive me home. At this point I'm not even considering that an option. With Edward, there is only the disturbing, and the wildly disturbing. No, what Edward did is interpret one of my drunken slurrings as an actual desire I had—or maybe he just pretended that's what he heard to get his sick fantasies to be reality, I don't even know—and drove me down to Vegas to get us hitched.

Dude drives like maniac. Sort of unsurprising that he got me from Oregon to Nevada before I passed out. Which I did as soon as we finished the ceremony and got back to a hotel room. Luckily Edward is disturbing enough to marry a drunk girl several states away, but not wildly disturbing enough to have sex with her passed-out body.

Yaaaaaaay.

Speaking of driving like a maniac he's getting dangerously fast again. Time to yell at him some more.

And then maybe later some murderkilling. Dunno. Depends on my mood.

Day Fuck Everything

Got back to Forks.

Dad came home a couple hours later.

I stayed awake long enough to explain to him in my own words and write this down.

So tired. Can't deal with anything.

Oh god I'm Bella Cullen oh my god.

Day Whatever

I'm not Bella Cullen anymore. The marriage was annulled and everything. I am Bella Swan. Bella Swan Swan Swan Swan Swan. No Cullens in sight!

I'm not sure what's going to happen to Edward now—I'm pretty sure marriage on false pretenses is a crime, but he didn't actually rape me or anything. I mean I'm sure I would have noticed that. Though they did ask me repeatedly, again and again and again.

With good reason I guess.

God imagine if we _had _had sex. I might have gotten pregnant. We would bear horrible delusional angry children and raise them to be as bad as both of us. Oh, sorry, horrible little _half-vampire _children. Whose uncles are all werewolves. Yeah. Snrrrrrk.

Aunt Stephenie flew in from Arizona to fuss all over me and gab with dad and find out what all this ruckus about little Bella getting married was. Auntie Steph was always a bit loopy and _really _Mormon, but I like her plenty. I sat her down with some tea (using bottled water to boil—god knows Auntie Steph doesn't need to be drinking the same crazysauce the rest of us are). I told her everything, sipping tea in my pajamas. I left out the rude words and stuff and most of my freakouts—like I said, _really _Mormon—but she got the whole story.

She said it was almost sort of _romantic. _

Like I said, sort of loopy.


End file.
